Karkat's Diary
by EarthSagesHarp
Summary: John gives Karkat a diary, which he actually uses, in the hopes that his future self won't be able to chastise him through it.
1. Entry 1

(Notes: First time uploading something here, it's kind of confusing for me. :/ But here it is! It's short, sorry. All the chapters will probably be like this, I'm really not good at writing things long. But hopefully the quantity of entries will make up for it! Heh, I feel adventurous writing for Karkat. It's really hard because he's so verbose.)

Diary Entry 1

SATURDAY

KARKAT VANTAS.  
THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY, EGBERT? I FINALLY SUCCUMBED INTO LETTING YOU THROW THIS DUMB PARTY TO CELEBRATE MY EXISTENCE; GOD KNOWS WHY ANY SELF-DEPRECIATING MORON WOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I ACTUALLY WROTE IN THIS SHITTY HUMAN "DIARY". I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL ANYBODY WOULD MAKE SOMETHING FOR BULGE-CHAFFING LOSERS WITH ONLY EMPTY BOOKS TO CALL FRIENDS. WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE NOW?

hehe, good job karkat. :B

WAIT, WHY DO YOU EVEN CARRY AROUND A PEN WITH YOU? DO YOU RELIGIOUSLY GIVE PEOPLE DIARIES ON THE STREET SO YOU CAN WRITE ON THEM? YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DIARY.

well, you keep writing stuff, silly.

I WILL SNAP YOUR FUCKING PEN IN HALF.

well, then.


	2. Entry 2

Diary Entry 2

SUNDAY

I CAN'T BELIEVE EGBERT GOT THIS PIECE OF SHIT FOR ME. WHAT, DOES HE EXPECT IT TO COME TO LIFE AND START CONSOLING ME ABOUT MY MYRIAD PROBLEMS? AFTER JUST TWO MINUTES IT'D PROBABLY JUST STAB ITSELF IN ITS NONEXISTANT HEART. I GUESS THIS IS PROBABLY JUST A HINT TO QUIT USING MEMOS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MYSELF OR SOMETHING. AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE THIS'LL KEEP FUTURE ME FROM VERBALLY BEATING ME UP. I GUESS IT MIGHT ALSO BE A BREAK FROM EVERY TROLL AND THEIR LUSUS EAVESDROPPING ON MY DEEP AND MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS WITH MY ASSHOLE SELF. THAT SHIT WAS WEIRD.

OH SHIT, HERE COMES NEPETA. I BE

:33 hi, karkitty! whats this?

NOTHING IT'S NOT A THING THAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING GO AWAY.

:33 ooh, a diary! its like a little shipping wall fur yourself, right? you write down your innfurmost secrets and hope nopurrdy reads it

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M WRITING AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS TO LOOK ON IN AWE AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS SLOWLY AS THEY REALIZE HOW PURELY AWFUL MY LIFE WAS.

:33 that's silly of you

FOR FUCKS SAKE LEAVE ME ALONE.


	3. Entry 3

(Notes: I think the chapters are getting better! I'll try not to get distracted by other things too much so I can update more efficiently.)

Diary Entry 3

MONDAY

DAMN, THIS PLANET FUCKING SUCKS. I FINALLY FINISH WITH ALL THIS SGRUB SHIT, BRING EVERYBODY BACK TO LIFE AND AS NEAR TO SANITY AS THEY CAN GET, WHICH FOR MOST OF THE ASSWIPES IS FIVE LIGHTYEARS OFF THE MARK, AND WHEN WE FINALLY GET THIS NEW PLANET, I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL. I'M PRACTICALLY THE GOD OF THIS FUCKING PLACE, AND THEY MAKE ME GO TO SCHOOL LIKE SOME OVER-PRIVILEGED WRIGGLER. FUCK THIS.  
I'VE ATTACHED MY SCHEDULE TO THIS PIECE OF SHIT, MAINLY SO IT DOESN'T END UP IN TEREZI'S MOUTH OR SOME OTHER UNGODLY PLACE.

1st Period…Biology  
2nd Period…Geography  
3rd Period…Spanish  
4th Period…Lunch  
5th/6th Period…English  
7th Period…Study Hall  
8th Period…P.E.  
9th Period…Geometry

STUDY HALL IS THE MOST USELESS WASTE OF MY TIME, IT'S JUST FULL OF NOOK-SNIFFING ASSHATS WHO DO ABSOLUTELY NO STUDYING. IT'S NOT EVEN IN A FUCKING HALL! WHATEVER IMBECILE NAMED IT THAT SERIOUSLY OUGHT TO RETHINK HIS PITIFUL EXCUSE OF A LIFE.

LUNCH REALLY SUCKS, TOO. MOST OF THE ASSHOLES THERE SPEND LESS TIME FILLING THEIR BODIES WITH ESSENTIAL NUTRIENTS AND MORE TIME GOSSIPING THEIR THINK PANS OUT. I TRY MY BEST TO FIND A PLACE TO SIT WHERE I CAN RETAIN WHAT LITTLE SANITY I HAVE, I.E. ALONE.

THERE'S THE BELL. FUCK, I'VE GOT STRIDER IN MY P.E. CLASS.


	4. Entry 4

Diary Entry 4

MONDAY

I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL STRIDER.

THE LOUSY, NOOK-SNIFFING PRICK THOUGHT IT WOULD BE HILARIOUSLY IRONIC IF HE DITCHED P.E. TO GO SKINNY-DIPPING IN THE RETENTION POND OUTSIDE SCHOOL IN THIS FUCKING NEGATIVE DEGREE WEATHER. AMPORA'S NOT EVEN CRAZY ENOUGH TO DO THAT! WELL, APPARENTLY THE BULGE-BRAINED "TEACHER" THOUGHT THAT SINCE HIM AND I ARE "BEST BUDS", I SHOULD GO LOOK FOR HIM. THE ASSHOLE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE CONSIDERATION TO TELL ME HIS PLAN, SO IT TOOK ME THE ENTIRE FUCKING PERIOD AND HALF OF THE NEXT ONE TO FIND STRIDER. I HAD JUST SO HAPPENED TO LOOK OUT THE RIGHT WINDOW JUST WHEN THIS PLANET'S SUN AND THE DOUCHEBAG'S SHADES WERE IN ALLIGNMENT TO PRACTICALLY FRY MY EYEBALLS OUT. MY EYES ARE STILL REELING NOW. SO I GO OUTSIDE TO GET HIM, LIKE THE NICE, CONSIDERATE PAL I AM. I SHOUT OUT AT STRIDER, TELLING HIM TO GET HIS SORRY ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I ANNOUNCE OVER THE LOUDSPEAKERS THAT HE SCREAMS LIKE A PUSSY WHENEVER HE SEES A SPIDER. HE BEGRUDGINGLY AGREES AND MAKES ME GET HIS CLOTHES, WHICH ARE RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HIM. I WALK OVER THERE TO GIVE HIM A PIEVE OF MY MIND, WHEN THE PRICK THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY TO GRAB MY WRIST AND PULL ME INTO THE FUCKING -3WATER! I HAD TO BE SENT HOME AND TOLD TO BUNDLE UP SO I WOULDN'T GET FUCKING HYPOTHERMIA, WHATEVER THAT HUMAN DISEASE IS. I'D BET MY ENTIRE COLLECTION OF ROMCOMS THAT THAT IS A REALLY BAD THING THAT I DO NOT WANT TO GET.

I AM SO PISSED OFF AT STRIDER.

I AM PISSED AND MUDEROUS AND _COLD_.


	5. Entry 5

(Notes: I'm so sorry! Here it is; I wrote the next chapter already so you won't have to wait as long, I promise)

Diary Entry 5

TUESDAY

MY GEOMETRY TEACHER POITIVELY DESPISES ME. I'M SURE IF SHE HATED ME ANYMORE, HER HEAD WOULD EXPLODE. I'VE GOT ALL THE KIDS IN THAT CLASS,THOUGH, WHICH ACTUALLY ISN'T A BAD THING, BECAUSE TOGETHER THEY ATTRACT MORE OF HER ATTENTION THAN I DO, THUS LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH SHIT LIKE NOT HAVING MY CALCULATOR OUT UNTIL HALFWAY INTO THE PERIOD, BECAUSE HOW DARE I TRY TO CHALLENGE MYSELF BY NOT USING A FUCKING CALCULATOR UNTIL I ACTUALLY NEED ONE? GEE, I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE PUTS UP WITH ME.  
SO, BEING THE BIGGEST SHITBAG EXCUSE FOR A TEACHER IN THIS WHOLE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM, SHE MANAGED TO ASSIGN US A GROUP PROJECT. WE GET THESE AWFUL ATROCITIES A LOT IN SCIENCE AND EVEN ENGLISH, BUT I DON'T EVEN FUCKING COMPREHEND HOW SHE MANAGED TO GIVE US ONE FOR MATH. THE CLASS IS BAD ENOUGH ALREADY WITHOUT FORCING ME TO HANG OUT WITH SOME OF THESE DOUCHEBAGS.  
AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH ALONE, WHAT WE HAVE TO DO IS TAKE PICTURES OF ANGLES WE FIND. THAT'S IT. BECAUSE THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I COULD HAVE DONE THAT ON MY OWN. BELIEVE ME, HER HATRED IS MORE THAN MUTUAL.  
SHE ASSIGNED PARTNERS(HEAR THAT: PARTNERS, NOT GROUPS. IF YOU'RE GOING TO ASSIGN A GROUP PROJECT, AT LEAST PUT US IN GROUPS SO YOU SEEM A LITTLE LESS STUPID) VIA PULLING NAMES OUT OF A HAT. I GOT PAIRED UP WITH HARLEY, WHICH I GUESS SHOULDN'T BE THAT AWFUL.

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING. I'M JUST THANKFUL I WON'T BE TAKING PICTURES OF GROTESQUELY OVERSIZED PUPPET BULGES.


	6. Entry 6

(Notes: I edited the last chapter, but it hasn't updated. :/ Please rest assured that it is, in fact, much better than it appears to you.)

Diary Entry 6

WEDNESDAY

OH MY GOD. ACTUALLY, LET ME REPHRASE THAT. OH MY _DOG_.  
I'M OVER AT HARLEY'S PLACE FOR THAT GODAWFUL PROJECT BECAUSE IF I GET A BAD GRADE, MY TEACHER'S HEAD WOULD PROBABLY EXPLODE OUT OF PURE HATRED, AND WHILE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, IT WOULD PROBABLY LAND ME DETENTION.  
I DON'T THINK THIS IS WORTH IT.  
SEE, I WOULD UNDERSTAND, SINCE JADE'S OLD DOG DEITY IS GONE, THAT SHE WOULD WANT ANOTHER TO FILL THE VOID. ONE, MAYBE TWO. BUT I THINK **SEVEN** IS A BIT OF A FUCKING STRETCH. I CAN'T EVEN WALK ANYWHERE WITHOUT TRIPING OVER DOG TOYS, DOG BOWLS, DOG BEDS, DOGS. THEY LITERALLY RANGE IN SIZE FROM WHAT SHE SO KINDLY INFORMS ME ARE A CHIHUAHUA(REALLY FUCKING TINY) TO AN IRISH WOLF HOUND(A GOD DAMNED FURRY MOUNTAIN OR SOME SHIT). THEY ARE SO LOUD, I CAN'T HEAR MY OWN THOUGHTS! I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO MANAGE TO ESCAPE TO THE BATHROOM FOR A MOMENT OF PEACE, BUT JUST BARELY.  
SINCE HER ANCESTOR LIVES WITH HER TOO, ANYTHING THAT IS NOT DOG IS HORRIFYING POSTERS OF TERRIBLE MOVIES AND GIRLS WITH A COLOR FRIGHTENINGLY REMINISCENT OF VRISKA.  
JAKE'S LOCKED UP IN HIS ROOM, WHICH IS GREAT, BUT THERE ARE SOUNDS COMING FROM HIS ROOM THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT.

THIS PLACE IS NOT WORTH IT.

SHIT, I'VE BEEN IN HERE TOO LONG. JADE'S KNOCKING SUSPICIOUSLY.


End file.
